SEX. Sex is difficult. Sex for some of us is very hard to talk about. Sex holds a space of shame, judgment, pain and unfulfilled pleasure at moments. Sex doesn’t feel good in our bodies because of a lack of safety and past traumatic sexual experiences. Some of us have felt an overall sense of shut down and resentment. And… with all of that, we feel at times, still, engage in that sexual act hoping it will change and feel better, it will be great or sometimes it has been!
Well, I know for me it was that for many years, I started having “sex” or what a lot of us think of as sex, vaginal penetration, at 14. At 14 that was my definition of sex, penetration. Now I have come to realize sex is not just penetration to my body, actually quite far from it considering as I run orgasmic energy through my body I can and will orgasm with or without touch, and that’s sex with myself. Being in connection with a partner, the heavy making out, yep that can do it. Yes, those intense feelings that run through my body are so amazing now. So my definition of “sex” has drastically changed, as you can see!
And I can think of a time where that wasn’t the case… not too long ago where I was shut down at moments, was having unexplained pain in my pelvis, vaginal canal and was not ejaculating so freely or not at all, knowing I enjoyed it now.
So what happened? What was going on with me? Am I broken?
Let’s also remember that I was currently very happily married to a sexy, handsome, wonderful, loving, respectful, man and had two beautiful children and a successful career, and owning my own business. So why the difficulties? Hmmm, I also had unresolved traumas, past and present hurts, stresses, saying a lot of yeses to others and no boundaries. Self-care, what is that? Ha, other people need that, not me. -Oh, ok Dragonfly- Now, at this moment, I know what saying YES to me actually means, and self-care includes boundaries. And what that can actually do for me through consistent practice.
Ok, so what does all of this have to do with my difficulties in my sexual wellness? EVERYTHING! I was not feeding me, the most important person in the equation the very one that was feeling the pleasure or lack of. Once I was able to look at all of the parts and put the practice of each into place I was able to feel my complete sexual-wholeness like never before!
Ok, so, pause-breath-listen for a moment this runs deep and delicious and you to can feel the orgasmic energy run through you like a wave of… well it is something I can’t wait for you to feel complete in your body. Really, I didn’t completely understand till I integrated all of it within my life and wow I am so very thankful I did.
Reclaiming our pleasure involves establishing or for some of us re-establishing connections within ourselves, with others, nature/the natural world and with what brings us joy.
Connection to the body is vital, we are disconnected, for good reason, right? NO, a big HELL NO to that! Busy, I don’t have time doesn’t count. You make time for other things that are way less important than you, right? I know I did. And look where that path was leading me… pelvic pain, lack of desire, etc… yes there can always be obstacles we can come up with, and I have worked with some humans that have really good ones! I mean they really come up with some great obstacles for why they can’t or shouldn’t receive their own pleasure. Like it’s “just easier, safer or even happier to be disconnected from their sexual energy or the fullness of what their desires look like” “my kids need me” “my partner won’t understand” so many obstacles I can’t even list. And let me remind you. YOU ARE IMPORTANT, you need you! Not in an ego way, let that shit go, that will not help in any sort of way, it will actually do just the opposite, the ego is not confidence, the ego is a destroyer. In the way that your kindness, compassion, love, joy, pleasure, desires, sexual-wholeness and inner-self matter. In that very important way.
I realized I needed to say yes to me, all of me and that meant the complete me. Even those parts I didn’t want to have time for, or the shadow sides I was told were bad, the unresolved trauma being held in my body. ALL, Yes ALL of ME. My sexual-wholeness mattered and my pleasure in life mattered and if I was to feel good for everyone else around me I needed it to start with me. Something I battled for so long, see one of MY obstacles was, it is “selfish” to take care of me when I have others who need me to take care of them. Something that I realized was deeply embedded in my belief system from early on. So after working with my practice and understanding that there were some things I needed to face, release, reframe/rewire and most of all love ALL of me I was able to have some much needed complete sexual-wholeness.
The release of shame, judgment, past/present hurts and truly feeling complete pleasure in my body was able to start being cultivated. A process I didn’t know was even truly possible. Remember I was having “sex” since 14, and that is a long time not realizing that this was affecting the completeness of my satisfaction of pleasure.
If this speaks to you, and you would like to have the practice to start re-connecting with you. Start with this basic practice on a regular basis. I know it doesn’t seem like much, and it will create more for you than you know.
I want you to take a moment, in a quiet space.
- close your eyes
- breathe: in thru your nose, out thru your mouth, relax your jaw notice your breath flowing in and out of your body
- softly & slowly feel your body with your hands/fingertips: face, neck, shoulders, chest, arms, belly, thighs
*notice: what sensations/or lack of sensation this brings to your body *notice: thoughts that come in your mind, past memories or experiences
In erotic breath, love, and hugs from my heart to your heart ~Dragonfly💜